Things old people say: Inappropriate or hilariously acceptable?

Last night I was watching Talk Soup, because let's be honest, I get my weekly news from Joel McHale and my daily reports from Giulianna Rancic on E! News.  Yes, I had just taken a Lunesta and was also re-reading 50 Shades of Grey, but I swear I heard Ed Asner make an inappropriate comment about his role in the epic TV miniseries Roots. 

Now, it's possible I was only half-listening and/or was on the verge of slumber, but when I tried to Google what he said, it's like the interview never happened.  Was it because he's old and senile so his behavior was excused?  Did people just laugh it off?   Did I make it up?  The world will never know.

But today when I showed up at Massage Envy for 90 minutes of relaxation, there was a woman who I estimated to be about 80 standing at the counter.  This was the conversation I overheard:

Girl at Desk: "So would you like to join now and set up your first appointment?"

80 Year Old Lady: "Well, I have a few more questions.  Can I get a man to do the rubbing?"

Girl at Desk: "Yes, ma'am."

80 Year Old Lady: "Well, will he rub my buttocks?"

Girl at Desk: "Ummm."

80 Year Old Lady: "Because I like that.  Is that an option?"

Girl at Desk: "Ummm."

80 Year Old Lady: "And could you make sure he has big hands?  My husband had tiny hands and I never did care for them."

At that point, I was called back by my masseuse so I have no idea what that poor girl at the desk said.  But I was dying inside.  I thought that old lady was hilarious and I thought it was cool that she knew what she wanted and asked for it.  She seemed not to have a care in the world other than getting her buttocks rubbed, nor did she care who knew it.  There were a few other people waiting who were equally entertained, though one did whisper she might be drunk.  But in general, the consensus was that she was old, and funny, and it was perfectly acceptable to say whatever she felt like saying.

Next, I went to the car dealership.  Some "expletive" bashed my taillight last week and I had to pay $235 to get it fixed.  While waiting, there was a little old man sitting next to me doing a crossword puzzle for about 30 minutes before he looked up and spoke:

Little Old Man: "You remind me of my daughter."

Me:  "Oh, well I hope that's a good thing." 

Little Old Man: "Yes, it is.  She's quite beautiful.  But I don't want to kiss her." 

The mechanic filling out my paperwork choked a little on his coffee and I just smiled and went back to reading my emails.  Even though it was slightly weird, I still thought that man was pretty funny.  I mean, who says that?  Old people, I suppose.  But if he had been 30, would I still have felt the same way?  Negative.

So I guess my point is this: I have a bad habit of laying it all out there. I often say things that are inappropriate and frequently I am guilty of TMI.  My liberal views flow out of me as easily as Cabernet flows in at my table, and I know my openness can be viewed as crass.  So perhaps old age will agree with me.  Maybe it will excuse the things I say or at least make them slightly more acceptable.

So there ya go.  In 50 years, my word vomit tendencies will be completely justified.  Though I really have no plans to reign them in in the meantime.

Amazing. Talented. And Blessed.

With a title like that, I really wish I was talking about myself.  But I can't take any credit for the sheer awesomeness of my friends.

Today was a great day.  Via Facebook and snail mail, I received some fascinating and exciting news about several people in my life.

First, I saw on Facebook that some amazing friends of mine are going to be featured on The Today Show tomorrow morning!

Monique and Chevalo Wilsondebriano are two of the sweetest, kindest, most endearing people I've ever met.  Teague was lucky enough to share a classroom with their youngest daughter last year, and I've been lucky enough to form a friendship with the family.  I have watched the entire family work together as a team for the last few years and I am consistently overwhelmed by their commitment to one another and the success of their product.  Not to mention, their marinade is flipping amazing! 

 

The Charleston Gourmet Burger Company can be accessed at charlestongourmetburger.com

 

 

Today, I also found out that Corie Hipp, a.k.a. my freshman and sophomore year roommate at C of C, and self-proclaimed "oldest friend" was selected for a very special honor!  And none of us should be surprised.  Honestly, I don't know anyone who works as hard as she does.  She is a stellar friend.  A committed philanthropist.  A brilliant graphic designer.  She cares more about the community and building lasting relationships than anyone I've met in my entire life.  And for some reason, she loves me.  She also shares my love of steak and cake, which means we're MFEO.  (If you don't know what that means, watch Sleepless in Seattle.).

 

 

Visit coriehipp.com for more information about The Corinne Company.





Finally, today I received a wedding invitation in the mail.  This invitation is so incredibly special to me because I really never expected to be invited, and would have completely understood.  At the end of my street exists a huge piece of property on the water.  I mean, acres upon acres, upon acres.  It has oaks that would make Scarlett O'Hara jealous.  It is absolutely magical.  And it just happens to house one of the most diversely amazing families I've ever met. 

Over the last 2 years, The Crumps have welcomed the boys and I onto their property and most importantly, made us a part of their home.  We can wander down to Jubilee anytime with any number of friends, and use their kayaks, floats, fire pit, trampoline, crab traps, fishing poles, beer coolers, wine supply...whatever we need at the moment, it's ours.  Even if it's just a hug.  (Robin has dispensed many of these since 2012).

So when I opened up my mailbox today and saw this:

My heart just leapt.  Not only will I get to be a spectator at what will probably go down as the most naturally gorgeous wedding on the planet, I get to make new memories at Jubilee.  AND THEN, I can even walk home!  It really is a blessing to watch this wonderful family expand.

So congratulations to these friends.  You are each growing and changing in different ways, and I couldn't be happier to have you in my life.  You set such great examples for my kids and inspire us to always being kind, considerate, and devoted.

I am so proud and honored to be your friend.  And I hope the whole world discovers just how inspiring you are!

There isn't much that's tender about Tinder.

I haven't had a lot of free time lately.  I feel like things are really picking up for spring, and summer looks busier than ever.  But when I do have down time, I find myself either binge-watching House of Cards and Orange is the New Black, or playing on Tinder.

For those of you who don't know what Tinder is, it's an app.  It's often called a dating app, or a hookup app, but for me its pure entertainment.  I'll explain why

About a month and a half ago, a friend of mine first told me about Tinder.  It didn't sound like anything I would have an interest in, so I kind of forgot about it.  Then two Saturdays ago, she mentioned it again and said it was addictively entertaining.  This time I downloaded the app and set up the profile. 

Tinder works by pulling a few pics from your Facebook profile.  Once you join, your first name, age, and a photo is thrown into the Tinder mix.  Just to give you an idea, this is what mine looks like:

In your settings, you can specify if you want to see pics of men or women, you can specify an age range, and you can choose a search distance.  Tinder uses your current location to pull profiles of those near you.  You can choose to see pictures of people anywhere from less than a mile away, up to 100 miles.  Once you open the app, pictures pop up and you either tap the "X" if you are not interested, or the "Heart" if you are.  It's also referred to as "swiping left" or "swiping right."  If you swipe the person's pic to the right, you are giving them a heart.  If you swipe to the left, they're gone.  Got it?  Let's move on.

So if you "like" someone and they have liked you, then you get a message saying you have a match.  It then opens up a conversation that looks like a text.  And you can choose to message or not.  You never know if someone has swiped left or swiped right unless you both swipe right.

Now, like I said, I am not using this as a dating app.  In fact, in the words of Helen Fielding, I am currently "mad about a boy;" I have no intention of ever meeting any of these "matches."  However, what makes Tinder unbelievably entertaining is the strange assortment of pictures people use for their profiles, and the often insane, rambling bios they post. 

As a result, viewing Tinder has become a group activity with some of my friends.  It's like watching a train wreck; it's awful, but you just can't stop swiping.  In fact, my friend Jennifer and I have started a little friendly competition to see who can find the most bizarre Tinder profiles. 

And I just have to share the most random and disturbing ones:

Oh yeah.  You're a keeper.

What are you doing?  Just...what?!

Um...I have at least 500 pictures of my kids at the aquarium posing for the same pic.  Creepy.

No.  Just no.

This...well this guy actually has multiple pictures of receipts where he has dropped $1200 at a bar.  Yes dude, we are all SO impressed.

Do you really dress up squirrels?  Because there are multiple pics of you with squirrels in costumes.

You are fisting the gills of a dead animal.  Everybody wants you.

I don't even know what to say about your bio.

OK, this guy kind of fascinates me.  Clearly he likes to travel, but he also has an obsession with holding his butt cheek wherever he goes.  And taking a picture.  See the two pics below...

What?

Um.

You be proud of your tiny fish.  I bet you spent hours reeling that one in.

Is that Jean Claude Van Damme?

Have you matched with ANYONE?  I just don't think it's possible.

This is the kind of man EVERY woman wants.

Well, aren't you fun!

I have no words.

Killer.  Not even gonna hide it.

Church and bourbon.

Thank you for letting us know you're bipolar.  That's usually second-date type info.

Go to bed.  Stop letting your friends document your shenanigans.

So, that's Tinder.  It's hilarious.  And by the way, if your friends think it's funny to "heart" the weirdos, take your phone away immediately.  Because some of these people take a heart VERY seriously. Perhaps I will share their chastising remarks in another post!

Waiting isn't easy, but sometimes it's worth it.

So in the meantime, I will make a playlist.  Because all of you know how much I love a list...

U Got it Bad - Usher (Thanks for this one Megan Ramsey!)
All of Me - John Legend
Stay - Rihanna featuring Mikky Ekko
Bring Your Love - The Avett Brothers
Dark Horse - Katy Perry featuring Juicy J
Just Give Me a Reason - Pink
Say Something - A Great Big World
Counting Stars - OneRepublic
The Dance - Garth Brooks
Each Coming Night - Iron and Wine
Enchanted - Taylor Swift
Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron and Wine
Everything Has Changed - Taylor Swift
Give in to Me - Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester
Heavy in Your Arms - Florence and the Machine
Ho Hey - The Lumineers
I Will Wait - Mumford and Sons
Let Me Sign - Robert Pattinson
Mine - Taylor Swift
Oh Darling - Plug In Stereo
Never Think - Robert Pattinson
Today Was a Fairytale - Taylor Swift
Robin Thicke - When I Get You Alone

Is it summer yet?

As much as I adore Uggs, and fires, and big bold glasses of cab while wearing Uggs in front of fires, I have had just about enough of the cold.  Canada for Christmas was amazing.  Snow in Charleston for the first time in 4 years was fun.  But I haven't been warm in over 4 months and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

I've spent the last hour and a half planning a trip to a concert in July.  It should be noted that tickets have yet to go onsale for this show.  I haven't even mentioned it to anyone I'm hoping will go with me.  And I'm not even sure if I have my kids that week.  But I am endlessly dreaming about warm summer nights, tan skin (however unhealthy that may be), and little white shorts.

I'm ready to float in the pool that is my nemesis during the winter months.  I want to eat Sno-cones on Folly and ride around in Jodi Barker's golf cart.  I want to lay in the sun until I'm forced to walk inside and cool off for five minutes, the whole time waiting for my eyes to adjust to much dimmer light.  I kind of miss finding sand in the strangest places.  And let's be honest, shaving Koda and making him look like a doofus is pretty damned entertaining.

 So while I sit here under a huge blanket trying to figure out how my son (who will go unnamed) managed to hide a pile of potatoes in his closet "to see what would happen" for what I'm guessing has been a few weeks, I'm also going to start looking for bikinis.  Because even though it only takes a few weeks to grow potatoes in your closet, it takes a lot longer to get ready for swimsuit season.

 



And I just can't help it, I really miss my tan.