Well, this is new.

You know how it is when you've been anxious, angry, and uncomfortable for a year and you don't really have time to be sad because there just isn't enough room in your brain for that?

Ok, so maybe you don't.  But I do.  And starting with the divorce being finalized last week, I noticed a twinge of a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time.

After the shock of walking out of court.  Finding out that I do not have to rip my kids from the only home they've ever known.  Paying off the settlement.  And realizing that I NEVER have to look at/be in the same room/listen to the voice of my ex-husband's completely incompetent and ridiculously stupid C U Next Tuesday of an attorney, I began to relax.

Then I realized just how tired I've been.  My Lunesta-assisted sleeps have been less than rejuvenating and my body has been so exhausted that I spent the better part of last year injuring myself during workouts.

But over the last 6 days, I've started sleeping again (except for the 2 am potty trips with the puppy).  I've returned to running.  I went back to Yoga Core.  And the headache I've had for 13 months seems to be gone.

Now, there's room for other things.  Aspirations.  Dreams.  All sorts of new beginnings.  And apparently, sadness too.

This morning, my ex-husband pulled up in a U-haul and collected his remaining contents from our home.  It was peaceful.  And relatively quick.  There might have even been some semblance of our old interactions as we stood in what used to be his home office.  But as he got ready to leave, I realized my eyes were welling up and I found myself just wanting to hug him one last time.  I didn't of course.  I'm sure it would not have been well-received and then I would have ruminated about it for the rest of my life.  But it seems weird that we haven't touched once in 10 months.  And it's strange how clearly I remember the last time we did.

So today I'm just going to feel the sadness and not try to stuff it away.  It's been lurking somewhere deep for a long time, smothered by hostility, and I think it's time I let it have its turn.  After all, I have so much to be happy about.  And with pleasure comes pain.

It was enchanting to meet you...

Something big happened today.

Something big happened 14 years ago.

All of it was important.

Every second was necessary.

And now that it's over, things are weird.

14 years.

 

It was intense.

It was insane.

It was passionate.

It was painful.

It hurt.

It was beautiful.

It was lovely.

It was lonely.

It was confusing.

It was stressful.

It was filled with tears.  And smiles.  And joy.  And hate.  And it made two kids that I would never ever exchange for anything.

Don't ever say it will never happen to you.

Don't judge.  And never let your guard down.

You don't ever really know yourself or anyone else until everything you know is almost lost.  You can't ever really be sure of what you're capable of.  Until that moment.  That one moment.  When everything changes forever.

 

"Beginnings are scary.  Endings are usually sad.  But it's what's in the middle that counts.  So when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up.  And it will." -- Birdee Pruitt, Hope Floats

Shop til you drop then climb the Spanish Steps because you can.

If I had visited Rome 2 years ago, I probably wouldn't have even gone to Via del Corso.  I've never been much of a shopper and I absolutely despised trying on clothes.  My mom loves to tell the story of how each year for Back to School, she would go buy me a new wardrobe, bring it home, and then force me to choose what I liked on the living room floor.  To me, it was SO much better than the mall.

Luckily, the shopping part of my brain switched on in 2011.  And when I got out of the cab here:

And saw this:

I couldn't get to a store fast enough.

Here's just a few of the ones I loved.  And  I do mean a few.  I got very distracted!

This Fendi handbag tree ruled.  And had 2 men guarding it 24/7.

A mile of chandeliers?  Yes please!

And some of the items I loved!

Then I climbed.  : )

Why, or rather HOW, I gained 5 pounds in 5 days.

If you are happy with your current weight then don't go to Italy.  Or go.  Say to hell with my weight.  And consume every morsel you spot whether it be at the Farmer's Market on Sunday; inside one of the million Gelaterias; seated snugly in a beautiful heated sidewalk cafe; or lingering by a stand on wheels.

As a meat and cheese kind of girl (who also loves her some bold red wine!), I had no intention of holding back.  I knew I was going to return home with pants that fit a little tighter and a wine and salt bloat to boot.  So I threw on my jeggings and legwarmers (my new obsession!), zipped up my puffy coat, and set out to get my grub on.

Blue Ice is hands-down the best gelato in all of Rome.  I prefer one scoop of Coconut with one scoop of Milk.

Antipasto at Zio Ciro.

The strongest Limoncello in all of Rome.

Unlimited candy at Piazza Navona.

More Blue Ice!

Ciambelle = Donuts.  Sorry Italy, but that was no Krispy Kreme!

Meat!

More meat!

This seemed disgusting my first night there when it was 60 degrees.  By night four when it was 35 degrees, it seemed like a GREAT idea!

Big meat!

Roasted chestnuts.  Look beautiful.  Smell like rotting garbage.

Yes, please!

I watched this slab of ham diminish over 5 days at a sandwich shop near my hotel.  Amazing!

Virgilio.  So damn good I ate there twice!

Fried olives at Virgilio.

Garlic Bruschetta 5 ways.

Quattro formagge.

Absolute best Limoncello in Rome.  Virgilio.

Brunch - Eggs Benedict with Parmesan fondue.

Snack.  Right outside the Pantheon.

Chocolate made to look like Mortadella.  Intriguing and disgusting.

Pork and grapes!

Coneage.

Now this is coconut water.

Chocolate cake at a little cafe where I consumed my weight in prosciutto.

When you reach the top of the Spanish Steps, you should eat.  Here.

See their beautiful confections below...

I really wish I could remember the name of this place!  Vanilla bean macaroons I would slap my mama for.

Mid-afternoon snack.

More snack.

A little more.

Maybe another bite...

That too, please.

That's right.  Put your veggies out front and show me how fresh they are!

Fried squash blossoms are flipping amazing.

So cute.  How could you not go there?!

My favorite bar near Trevi Fountain.  And the best mimosa I have ever had in my entire life.  See below.

Yes, I stopped by an Irish bar and still drank Chianti.

Does pasta get any prettier?

Christmas and Limoncello just go together...in Italy.

Beautiful gelateria.

Sunday Farmer's Market...

I was tempted to buy a bag and eat them in my hotel room.  They smelled amazing.

You could smell the heat and sweetness.

Mushroom displays outside of restaurants.

Just a little last night in Rome yumminess.

And that's how I gained 5 pounds (of happiness) in Rome in 5 days.