Well, this is new.

You know how it is when you've been anxious, angry, and uncomfortable for a year and you don't really have time to be sad because there just isn't enough room in your brain for that?

Ok, so maybe you don't.  But I do.  And starting with the divorce being finalized last week, I noticed a twinge of a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time.

After the shock of walking out of court.  Finding out that I do not have to rip my kids from the only home they've ever known.  Paying off the settlement.  And realizing that I NEVER have to look at/be in the same room/listen to the voice of my ex-husband's completely incompetent and ridiculously stupid C U Next Tuesday of an attorney, I began to relax.

Then I realized just how tired I've been.  My Lunesta-assisted sleeps have been less than rejuvenating and my body has been so exhausted that I spent the better part of last year injuring myself during workouts.

But over the last 6 days, I've started sleeping again (except for the 2 am potty trips with the puppy).  I've returned to running.  I went back to Yoga Core.  And the headache I've had for 13 months seems to be gone.

Now, there's room for other things.  Aspirations.  Dreams.  All sorts of new beginnings.  And apparently, sadness too.

This morning, my ex-husband pulled up in a U-haul and collected his remaining contents from our home.  It was peaceful.  And relatively quick.  There might have even been some semblance of our old interactions as we stood in what used to be his home office.  But as he got ready to leave, I realized my eyes were welling up and I found myself just wanting to hug him one last time.  I didn't of course.  I'm sure it would not have been well-received and then I would have ruminated about it for the rest of my life.  But it seems weird that we haven't touched once in 10 months.  And it's strange how clearly I remember the last time we did.

So today I'm just going to feel the sadness and not try to stuff it away.  It's been lurking somewhere deep for a long time, smothered by hostility, and I think it's time I let it have its turn.  After all, I have so much to be happy about.  And with pleasure comes pain.