Are you there God? It's me, Whitney. Yeah. Whitney Hendrickson. Yeah, I know it's been awhile.

I'll be the first person to tell you I'm agnostic.  I've blogged about it before.  It's no big secret or something I'm ashamed of.  But since I was about 17 or 18, I knew that I definitley believed in a higher power; I just didn't know exactly what that higher power was.

I've always noticed that when things are going poorly, I immediately start to pray when I crawl into bed at night.  But it took years before I realized that those prayers always began with, "Dear God..."  It's for that reason that I always beilived it important to give my children a foundation in religion.  Sometimes, we just need to know there is something bigger than us.  Sometimes we just need to have a little faith.

As mentioned before, my boys do not learn solely about Christianity and its holidays.  They learn about Judaism, Buddhism, and thanks to an Elmo DVD, they even have an understanding of the celebration of Kwanzaa.  They knew the difference between a menorah and a kinara long before I did.  In fact, Teague is the one who told me about it. 

I pride myself on the fact that Teague could recite the Lord's Prayer and the 23rd Psalm by age 3.  And I know it gives him comfort when we say it before bed each and every night.

Two weeks ago, my friend Jodi and were talking about church and how sometimes she just feels the need to stroll on down to the little chapel near her house on Folly.  I admitted I had been thinking about going myself, and taking the boys.  I also remember her saying something really funny in this conversation; she said, "Apparently Jesus lives in prison because everybody who goes finds him there."  We laughed about that one for awhile.

Now, I'm not saying I found Jesus last week.  Or that I went to prison.  But let me tell ya, when I was sitting in that court room last Monday, scared out of my mind and shaking, I got it.  When things get really bad, you NEED to feel like there's a possibility of something that can come to your aid. 

And for that reason, Teague and I joined the congregation of the James Island Presbyterian Church yesterday.

Teague was a a little shy upon first entering the chapel.  He examined the high ceilings and stained glass windows curiously.  He was a little apprehensive about the sheer size of the organ pipes and the 100 bells laid out on velevet draped tables.  But by the time he spotted four of our neighbors and settled onto the the third pew (with his 5 dollar offering in hand), he was excited.  Mesmerized.

His favorite parts?  Definitely the men's choir.  Because it was Mother's Day, only the men performed.  The sound was beautiful.  Rich.  Just as I remember from childhood. 

He also LOVED reciting the Lord's Prayer in unsion with the congregation.  You could see in his sparkling blue eyes how proud he was to know something all the grown ups did.  His pacing was impeccable.

As for me, I was amazed how the sermon centered precisely around what I am currently struggling with: issues of faith and trust.  The Pastor spoke,

     "A life without trust is frightening.  A life without faith is tragic."

I want to trust that everything will work out okay.  I would like to say I have faith that the best decision will be made for my kids.  But right now, with their world being turned upside down and our decisions for them out of our hands, I'm finding it very difficult to embrace the concepts of faith and trust.  I know I should take a leap, and that's why we went to church.  But when it comes to my kids, I'm finding it's hard to rely on the intangible.  Right now, the only reassurance is when I'm holding them tight and showering them with kisses.